Random Thursday Ranting.

Why do I insist on acknowledging people who don’t deserve any of my time? Is it because I’m afraid to wind up alone without them? Or is it because I fear the consequences of cutting all ties with them? 

So, I have this friend, who – now that I think about it – I can’t actually call a friend.
Even though I’ve known him for years now, about 13 years to be exact.
He’s the type of guy driven by testosterone. We used to get in all sorts of trouble together, but things have changed since we were teenagers. I’ve grown up and he hasn’t quite as much. The reason why we became friends, was because we made each other laugh all the time. As soon as we saw each other, we tended to burst out in laughter. At least that’s when we were on good terms. There were times when we didn’t. And these times are now more frequent than ever.

This guy is the type of person that can make me feel like complete shit in a matter of seconds. Like I’m a useless person, who’s never going to amount to nothing. A ‘normal’ person would be able to ignore those thoughts, but I can’t. Even though I am the guy with the normal 9 to 5 job, and I am the guy who doesn’t live with his parents anymore and I’m the guy who actually has friends. Real friends.
The problem however is that the things that he says to hurt me, are true as well.
I am the guy who dropped out of college, and I am the guy who doesn’t have a degree, and worst of all I am the guy who never even had a girlfriend.  He’s called me a faggot before too, but that’s a truth he fortunately doesn’t even know about.

So tell me, why do I still talk with this guy? Why are we still connected through social media, when we disapprove on damn nearly everything?
I’ve come to a point in my life, where I want to make the right emotional decisions – hence the reason why I started this blog. I want to surround myself with people who are actually worth my time and who make me feel good – heck – who make me feel great about myself!

I’m literally getting nothing out of this relationship anymore, so I think I’m ready to pull the plug on this thing. When somebody has the ability to drain lots of your energy, simply by saying certain things, is it all still worth it?

See you next time.

Chapter 1. “I need to tell my story.”

Hi.

Like the title already suggested, I felt the need to tell my story.
My story is about being gay, afraid to speak out.

I’m a 26-year-old guy who’s too terrified to actually tell anyone how I feel, so I’ve always chosen to keep my story to myself. Until now. This blog will define the first moments of me telling the world that I’m gay. Even though I will stay anonymous throughout this whole process.

I hate living the way I do, hiding the true me behind a well-built facade.
Just like the Roman god Janus, I’m two-faced. Like there’s two versions of me.
One where I’m with family members, friends and co-workers, which is the straight guy who’s got everything figured out. The other one – the real one – is the gay guy who feels really sad and lonely and struggles with everyday life.

I chose to name my blog after the Roman god Janus, not only because of the visual comparison of being two-faced, but because he represents beginnings, transitions and endings. I hope writing this blog will prove therapeutic for me and will mean a new beginning in my life. A new chapter. I also hope my blog will inspire people like me to find similar ways of dealing with the never ending struggle of being gay.

See you next time.