THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE

I’ve been away for a while. Because I started having second thoughts about all of this.
Could a blog really be useful to me? It turns out that after four months of not writing, I wasn’t quite finished telling my story, since I never even started to. So, let’s pick up where I left off.

A lot has happened recently.
On June 3 me and one of my best friends were both heading home after a night of heavy drinking, when I convinced him to have another drink at my place. He kindly agreed to it, not knowing the whirlwind of emotions he was about to witness.

We initially started talking about random stuff, when I suddenly got the urge to get all emotional. In all honesty, I don’t really remember much from that night – due to the alcohol I had consumed – but I told him that I was gay. Just like that. No idea where this suddenly came from, but something triggered it. Maybe it was meant to be?

I started crying uncontrollably and kept sobbing non-stop while telling him everything that came to mind, which equals years of bottled-up emotions. I told him that I didn’t want to be gay, which goes without saying of course. He told me that nothing would change for him and that he would support me regardless. He also told me that I needed to accept who I was, instead of fighting it and staying unhappy.

It’s a good thing I was drunk out my mind that night, because I had finally – for the first time in my life – built up the courage to tell somebody that I was gay. Being drunk was an equally bad thing though, because ever since that moment I’ve been scared it might have caused irreparable damage. I can’t undo what I did or unsay what I said.

The next day I woke up with a real bad hangover, quickly realizing what I had done the night before. I hadn’t gotten any reaction from him yet, and I chose to not say anything either. I was thinking that if I never brought it up, maybe he would forget it ever happened in the first place? That strategy didn’t sit very well with me though, because I felt that I needed to fix whatever damage I might have done. Or at least try to silence him. So I sent him a Facebook message telling him to forget what I had said and pretend like nothing ever happened. I insisted that he would keep his mouth shut, even to his girlfriend. He told me that he obviously wouldn’t say anything, but I don’t really believe him. A part of me thinks he already told his girlfriend. I don’t think people can easily keep this kind of secrets.

I will be seeing the both of them together at a friend’s barbecue this weekend, so I will try to ‘read’ her a little bit. I’m already dreading having to go through all these feelings again, but there’s no way but forward in this situation.

Besides,  “the truth shall set you free” (Veritas vos liberabit), right?

See you next time.

 

Random Thursday Ranting.

Why do I insist on acknowledging people who don’t deserve any of my time? Is it because I’m afraid to wind up alone without them? Or is it because I fear the consequences of cutting all ties with them? 

So, I have this friend, who – now that I think about it – I can’t actually call a friend.
Even though I’ve known him for years now, about 13 years to be exact.
He’s the type of guy driven by testosterone. We used to get in all sorts of trouble together, but things have changed since we were teenagers. I’ve grown up and he hasn’t quite as much. The reason why we became friends, was because we made each other laugh all the time. As soon as we saw each other, we tended to burst out in laughter. At least that’s when we were on good terms. There were times when we didn’t. And these times are now more frequent than ever.

This guy is the type of person that can make me feel like complete shit in a matter of seconds. Like I’m a useless person, who’s never going to amount to nothing. A ‘normal’ person would be able to ignore those thoughts, but I can’t. Even though I am the guy with the normal 9 to 5 job, and I am the guy who doesn’t live with his parents anymore and I’m the guy who actually has friends. Real friends.
The problem however is that the things that he says to hurt me, are true as well.
I am the guy who dropped out of college, and I am the guy who doesn’t have a degree, and worst of all I am the guy who never even had a girlfriend.  He’s called me a faggot before too, but that’s a truth he fortunately doesn’t even know about.

So tell me, why do I still talk with this guy? Why are we still connected through social media, when we disapprove on damn nearly everything?
I’ve come to a point in my life, where I want to make the right emotional decisions – hence the reason why I started this blog. I want to surround myself with people who are actually worth my time and who make me feel good – heck – who make me feel great about myself!

I’m literally getting nothing out of this relationship anymore, so I think I’m ready to pull the plug on this thing. When somebody has the ability to drain lots of your energy, simply by saying certain things, is it all still worth it?

See you next time.

Chapter 1. I need to tell my story. 

Hi.

Like the title already suggested, I felt the need to tell my story.
My story is about being gay, afraid to speak out.

I’m a 26-year-old guy who’s too terrified to actually tell anyone how I feel, so I’ve always chosen to keep my story to myself. Until now. This blog will define the first moments of me telling the world that I’m gay. Even though I will stay anonymous throughout this whole process.

I hate living the way I do, hiding the true me behind a well-built facade.
Just like the Roman god Janus, I’m two-faced. Like there’s two versions of me.
One where I’m with family members, friends and co-workers, which is the straight guy who’s got everything figured out. The other one – the real one – is the gay guy who feels really sad and lonely and struggles with everyday life.

I chose to name my blog after the Roman god Janus, not only because of the visual comparison of being two-faced, but because he represents beginnings, transitions and endings. I hope writing this blog will prove therapeutic for me and will mean a new beginning in my life. A new chapter. I also hope my blog will inspire people like me to find similar ways of dealing with the never ending struggle of being gay.

See you next time.