I’ve been away for a while. Because I started having second thoughts about all of this.
Could a blog really be useful to me? It turns out that after four months of not writing, I wasn’t quite finished telling my story, since I never even started to. So, let’s pick up where I left off.
A lot has happened recently.
On June 3 me and one of my best friends were both heading home after a night of heavy drinking, when I convinced him to have another drink at my place. He kindly agreed to it, not knowing the whirlwind of emotions he was about to witness.
We initially started talking about random stuff, when I suddenly got the urge to get all emotional. In all honesty, I don’t really remember much from that night – due to the alcohol I had consumed – but I told him that I was gay. Just like that. No idea where this suddenly came from, but something triggered it. Maybe it was meant to be?
I started crying uncontrollably and kept sobbing non-stop while telling him everything that came to mind, which equals years of bottled-up emotions. I told him that I didn’t want to be gay, which goes without saying of course. He told me that nothing would change for him and that he would support me regardless. He also told me that I needed to accept who I was, instead of fighting it and staying unhappy.
It’s a good thing I was drunk out my mind that night, because I had finally – for the first time in my life – built up the courage to tell somebody that I was gay. Being drunk was an equally bad thing though, because ever since that moment I’ve been scared it might have caused irreparable damage. I can’t undo what I did or unsay what I said.
The next day I woke up with a real bad hangover, quickly realizing what I had done the night before. I hadn’t gotten any reaction from him yet, and I chose to not say anything either. I was thinking that if I never brought it up, maybe he would forget it ever happened in the first place? That strategy didn’t sit very well with me though, because I felt that I needed to fix whatever damage I might have done. Or at least try to silence him. So I sent him a Facebook message telling him to forget what I had said and pretend like nothing ever happened. I insisted that he would keep his mouth shut, even to his girlfriend. He told me that he obviously wouldn’t say anything, but I don’t really believe him. A part of me thinks he already told his girlfriend. I don’t think people can easily keep this kind of secrets.
I will be seeing the both of them together at a friend’s barbecue this weekend, so I will try to ‘read’ her a little bit. I’m already dreading having to go through all these feelings again, but there’s no way but forward in this situation.
Besides, “the truth shall set you free” (Veritas vos liberabit), right?
See you next time.